Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
