Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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