i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
did i walk over a car last night?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
And then he peed in my hair
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