the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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