forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
