My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
