How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize