planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
