umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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