The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
