He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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