i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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