I am midnight drunk by noon
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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