my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
