Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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