I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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