I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
