One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
