i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
