i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
