Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish I only lived at night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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