Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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