im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
