then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
