dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
