just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
