I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
