just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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