TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
