I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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