Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
