I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
