U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
