I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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