You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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