i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
