she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
