so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
