Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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