2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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