Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
