just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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