I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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