i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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