I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
