just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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