no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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