My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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