Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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