this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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