we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
