Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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