i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize