I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize