he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
