i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
