how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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