the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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