You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize