Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
