the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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