she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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